Looking for something, what can it be?

i didnt get the internship i applied for in Peru that i was  really god damned qualified for and they wont even fucking tell me why--- tossers.

i just wanna help some orphans is that so much to ask?!!!!!!!!!!

i might stay here this summer

i kind of want to
kate(boss) says she would put me at full time that would be cool i could make up for the living costs here AND have an excuse to be around *3!# (what who said that?)

i think that would be cool
i mean it wouldnt neccesarily be a step up but it also wouldnt be a step backwards
and as much as i LOVE california and dream of moving back.... i would be starting over
i'd have to wait and look for a job there

no car and no subway

.... and a lot of my friends arent around there anymore
/.....who ARE my friends anymore?
....what are friends really other than the other molecules we happen to collide with?

i just think that even though it would be hot and smelly here it would still be more fun u know?

and u gotta do ONE summer in nyc dont u? and i could find a sublet! or get into the other residence that costs 1/2 as much as has no rules!

what are your thoughts?? you- the no one that reads this--

after this internship let down i am feeling a void
like i knew i needed something in my life besides school and work....
and i thought this was it

so know what is it?
a satsifying sexual relationship? that would be nice.
(it sucks so much learning that quantity isnt quality.)

or just another way to be involved with making a positive effect in someone's community?

focus on myself? pilates!?

go somewhere else? get certified as an English teacher in Costa Rica?

or just go to mexico and wait until Javier de la Piedra Gonsalez falls in love with me and we hold eachother under the stars out in the desert somewhere while coyotes howl?

these are all possibilities. how do they sound?

weight lifted off my shoulders

Liz is OVERJOYED that she will NEVER again

in her life have to enroll for

another core class

at Fordham University.

[eat my dust]

PURSE

AFter much exsasperation and freaking out--- walking into the diner and the bar to see if they had seen my purse--- staying locked out of my apartment all day and posting messages about lost purses on myspace AND facebook--- my extensive search finally paid off.
My purse has been located. It was found at 4:40 pm in the Upper WEst side.  To be precise it was haning off a chair in a building on West 60th st.
my chair. in my room. underneath my jacket.
in conclusion, the award for most RIDICULOUS PERSON of the Month goes to: Liz Hopkins from San Rafael, CA.

p.s. I suppose I must inform you (who ever you are--- which is no one because I dont even think anyone I know any more even reads my xangas) that Adam and are sadly on a hiatus. It is possible that the hiatus is forever which is even sadder but some times reality is just that, sad. I love him just as much now as I did before, it just cant work right now.

For my Feline~

im still a "sophmore" at fordham. i still dont have housing. i have a curfew at 20 years old. dont think i will get one A this semester. In 4 months in Manhattan, I went to 2 auditions. 2. still taking freshman courses in the 2nd half of my THIRD year of college. still have no idea what i am going to do with my degree and as time goes on i almost feel more uncertain every day.

but...

when i see you and hold you and smell you again and kiss your neck and feel your face on mine and actually get to feel you in my arms i think i will cry- i am so happy and lucky to have you in my life and to see you soon! And even though this has been a really rough and discombobulated and most ultimately frustrating semester with so many tears and so much lack of motivation and endless confusion-- i know that once I get off that plane and I see you and when i can just hold you again- it will all fade away into a thousand microscopic particles until it shrinks into nothing in the sky. Once I can hold you, nothing else will matter. 

*Adam* My * Love* For* You* Is* 

* Deeper* Than* All* The* Jungles*

 * I* Could* Run*Through* To* Find* You*  

Currently Reading How to Be Lost : A Novel By Amanda Eyre Ward see related

"The power of love is a mysterious thing.

Makes one man weep, makes another man sing.

Make a bad one good. Make a  wrong right.

The power of love will keep you home at night...."

I think Huey Lewis isn't just talking crap to make it rhyme. I feel i have finally realized how love is more than just cuddling and kissing and dates and presents and going to dinner and movies...maybe sometimes people are right when they say "love is bliss". "love is comfort"  "love is all you need" but do you know what I say... 

love is: developing a Multiple Personality disorder!

We begin with subject A:

Subject A is excited go to New York and thinks of nothing but the amazing times she will have and things she will learn and see and taste and hear. Subject A thinks she finally has what she has wanted all along. Subject A arrives in New York with a dream in her heart and a spring in her step and a twinkle in her eye and perhaps enough energy and excitement to light the city for the night during a power outage. Subject feels as though she is close to epitomizing freedom, independence, intellect, academic development and even hipster-ness. Suffice it to say that subject A could be considered your typical young girl in manhattan trying to "find herself."

Subject B, on the other hand has realized upon arrival and a little time living manhattan... that beyond manhattan there is MORE that one MUST explore! Subject B it at a different level of adventure and independence than girls like Subject A. B realizes that in order to have any type of perspective she better go to Peru. She better go to Chile, Argentina, Thailand, Australia, Italy and England before she claims to have any sort of diversified perspective or view of the world. Subject B at times has the tendency to view every ding dang new location not as an opportunity or potential home but merely a STEPPING STONE to the journeys and lessons ahead. Subject B is an over stimulated, over thinking, rapidly fluttering... "global butterfly."

Let us move on then to Subject C. C is perhaps a hybrid of the previously mentioned specimens. While C understands the glory, adventure and benefit of travel, C feels pressure to complete her studies with adequate grades, graduate with a degree and begin applying her "skills" out in the real world.While C would enjoy traveling, she tries to focus on the present: school & U.S. related life.

Our final subject, subject D has mulled it over and over and wonders if perhaps the only way she will ever figure out what to do with her education, her degree, her mind... her LIFE is to expose herself to another society in another country. She prints out an application. She can already smell the dust and hear the foreign dialects. She is almost CERTAIN that its the best choice... Until she hears the voice of her loved one. She cries. She wants nothing else in the entire universe but to feel him in her arms and smell his laundry. She cannot go on until she runs her fingers through his smooth dark hair. Nothing seems to matter but his freckles and feels incomplete.

She throws her head into her lap and knows not what to do--- because she realizes that she is in fact Subjects A, B, C and D all at once.

the end

I love you and it rushes through my blood vessels every hour every minute every second.